In my mind; it matters.

“I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life …” (376). This quote is from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden. My purpose in writing this blog post is to express sentimental importance, and the impact this quote has on my life.

This quote means so much more to me now than it did a week and a half ago. In my own words it’s essentially saying to live life to the fullest, and think with detail rather than bypassing every simple thing. I’ve started to understand that the little things I used to never pay attention to often, are now the things that hold the most value. Cherishing every moment that I have left with my dog is of big importance to me. A week ago I was dreading every day that passed because I knew the day was approaching that I’d come home to an empty house. I’d no longer be able to shout Sophiaaa mimi, hi baby, hola chica, or SOPH the LOAF. 

I’ve posted on my social media asking people to pray for Sophie and my family. To this very day she is still with us. Even though it’s only been five days past when we were planning on putting her down, I’ve lived each one like it was my last with her. Whether it’s coming home early from work so I can spend an hour or two more with her at night, or taking her outside when I get home from school before I run off to do other things, it’s all because I’ve finally realized that the littlest things are the ones that are going to mean the most to me in the end.

“I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life …” (376).


Emotions get the best of me…

Sometimes I feel as If I have no where to go emotionally. Like my emotions are bottled up in me and they’re not going to go anywhere anytime soon. Today I had felt that same tray of emotions. As of right now, I could say I’m feeling better, but I’d being lying if I said that and didn’t inlcude — my emotions are flying wild right now. Through the ups and downs, one of the worst things in life for me is a heartache. Whether I’m just hurting inside because of something small or something big, it’s a horrible feeling and I seem to be experiencing this feeling a lot now that I am a junior in highschool. Are there ways to cope with this killer emotion? I honestly haven’t found many ways myself. You can do a google search for this sort of thing and find results. But in reality, many of us can’t shake this feeling off our chest even after becoming aware of possible solutions, or methods to this emotional problem.

I would love to have an answer for my problem which stands right here in front of me currently. My problem, a majority of the time, is that… I just can’t seem to get my mind off of what is hurting me and dragging my day down. I try and try and keep trying to think of other positive things that would possibly cheer me up, and allow my mind to run free with thoughts that wouldn’t hurt me. Somehow, it seems almost impossible. Seeing a text notification on your phone from the person that is making your emotions run wild, or seeing a snapchat of that person, seeing that they ‘read’ your message or ‘opened’ your snapchat. These are all tiny things that are helping contribute to my sadness. It sucks, to be quite honest. Those are all things that I wish I could have the mental stability to brush off, but I don’t. My hopes being that someday I will have the ability to do just that.

Let me share a fact with you. This blog post that you are currently reading, is the reason I am currently not feeling any of what I was feeling before. I’ve been writing this for 15 minutes and it’s been a very relaxing 15 minutes. I am able to express my feelings freely, worry free. I am able to write a post that might miraculously help someone else out someday. I don’t really have a point to all of this, but if I had to state one reason as to why I’m writing all of this, it’d be that… ‘I am ready to free the worries of my mind and provide myself with a happier life.’

A Thought…

When you have a good heart. You help too much, you trust too much, you give too much, you love too much. And it always seems like you’re the one who gets hurt the most.
-Random post on Pinterest

I don’t quite know if there’s such a thing as ‘giving too much’. It just means you’re willing to give up what you have for the benefit of others. It means you have a kind soul and you’re a generous person. Is there such thing as helping to much? I’m not quite sure if there is or isn’t but what I do know is that helping is the right thing to do in most cases. It shows you genuinely care about someone or something. Trusting someone too much can wind up hurting you in the end because you may expect too much from someone or something. 

A Thought…

Sometimes the more chances you give the more respect you lose. Your standards begin to be ignored when people get comfortable in knowing that another chance will always exist. They start to depend on your forgiveness. That’s why I’m no longer a slave to apologies. Treat me right the first time because I can’t guarantee you a next time. It’s impossible to keep me once you’ve lost my trust. I’m not saying you have to be afraid of losing me. What I’m saying is I’m not afraid to walk away.
-Random post on Pinterest

I can relate to the first part of this paragraph above. I do agree the more chances you give, it is a possibility that you’ll lose respect, and that standards can become ignored. At the same time, from my personal experience, I give many chances to those who deserve it. If you deserve chances, I’ll gladly grant them to you. It never ran through my mind that my standards may begin to be ignored. This paragraph above is kind of an eye opener for me. I cannot, however, say that I’m ‘not afraid to walk away’, because walking away is a struggle for me. I get attached easily, and find it even harder to let go of something/someone. I consider myself ‘hard to lose’.